Attitude of Gratitude

It's Christmaween!

If you asked my kids they'd probably tell you that I love Christmas.  Every year I drag them down to the Hallmark store to buy their annual ornament (everyone has to pick their own, which has resulted in no less than three annoying Scooby Doo ornaments that make noise in the five years I've been doing this).  Then there is the advent calendar with a different Christmas-related activity planned for each day leading up to the BIG DAY in which they get more stuff for me to step on, put together and clean up after.  Worse perhaps than the Santa Claus lie is the Christmas lie I live every December.  I HATE Christmas.  Hate perhaps isn't a strong enough word to accurately describe my feelings.....abhor, despise, loathe, yes, loathe, perhaps.  Growing up it was the time of the year when my dad's business was the slowest, so of course it was a time for arguing between him and my mom about money.  We were generally living pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck, which isn't poor until something bad happens like the massive medical bills.  Later, long after my baby sister had been in and out of the hospital as a result of being premature, it became a time of year for arguing + disappointments when the weight of those medical bills became too much.  The Christmas I was 12, I remember having to pretend I was happy with a gift box of Lifesavers I received under the tree because dad was too proud to request toys from any of the agencies that provided them to kids like us.  Other than that box of Lifesavers, I can't name one gift I received as a child, but I can remember vividly what it's like to be in a house of adults fighting about money the day before Christmas.  Other than those yearly fights, we had no holiday traditions, no family activities......nothing I can hold onto.  Despite the fact that I'm sure both my parents would call themselves religious, it was a completely secular holiday with none of the spirit of generosity, giving or gratitude that should be associated with it.    

I have been fortunate for my most of my kids' lives to be able to afford to spend a decent amount on their Christmas haul.  This may not always hold true, but I will always try to talk them into watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, make them hot chocolate as they put up the tree and drive around with them to look at the neighbor's lights.  I will start filling that advent calendar with more service and charity projects as the years pass and their ability to interact with their world grows.  I will always pretend to be excited about Christmas, even as they roll their eyes as they turn into teens.  Growing up, Christmas was always about the tree and presents, I pray that I can turn it into something a little more for my little ones.  I am not particularly religious, nor am I a fan of the commercialism, but I will always try to channel my inner Sponge Bob and promote an Attitude of Gratitude, even if I have to lie ;)

Where I want 2014 to take me

Every year I make New Years Resolutions and every year I get distracted and fall off pretty quickly (and by pretty quickly I mean approximately 7-10 days in.) I know that I always preach being easy on oneself, but I, like many people, am my own worst critic.  I also had this thought that this past year depression has had such a hold on me because I spent so much time focused on my unemployment and not on small things I could do to make me happier. So this year instead of resolutions, I've to decided instead to make lists of things. Lots and lots of lists. My first list is of places to see/things to do in 2014. Who knows if I'll actually get to do all of these things (especially with the on again/off again unemployment issue....yay government employee!), but thinking about this is a lot more fun than lack of employment.

• Go see a NASCAR race (only because it will make my husband happy)
• Ride in a swamp boat
• Go on a canoe ride
• Visit at least two waterfalls
• Go see Chimney Rock
• Take the velociraptor to Lego Land because Lego Discovery Center was a huge letdown

Where do you want 2014 to take you?

Taking the first step

I am having major writer's block in my offline life, hopefully I don't find it spilling into this one as well.  It's been a long, long summer and I'm glad that it is finally coming to an end for me because that means I can come back to my real life and finally escape the stressful hair-and-sleep-loss environment of my current schooling program (well at least until January).

It's been a long summer full of struggles.  I've been away from my sweet kiddos and husband for most of the summer, surviving off of pictures and videos and a daily Face Time call back to the baby and weekly one to the boy.  I've spent the summer wrestling with my future in a way that even the Tarot couldn't help.

I hate indecisiveness and often act way before I've considered all of my options, so this constant state of uncertainty as to which path I should take has been driving me crazy, to say the least.  I completely underestimated the impact leaving the military would make on me after almost nine years and how hanging onto bits of that world would make moving on even more difficult.  I admire people who can cut off things completely and now see the wisdom in that.

I spent the summer bouncing from idea to another, afraid to go back to what I know to be my true calling.  I know I'm not the only person out there who ignores the obvious for one (or a million) reasons.  I had good reasons, I'm sure, but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and hope that you understood what the universe was trying to convey.

Journaling

I really want to start journaling.  I really, really like the idea of it.  In my head, the idea of writing my innermost thoughts and feelings on a page of paper seems so--I don't know--relaxing and literary.  I imagine the worlds greatest thinkers must have written in journals. In my head, I can see myself sitting at a beautiful desk (that I don't own and probably won't until the kids are old enough not to destroy it), writing in beautiful handwriting (my own handwriting is chicken scratch) in a beautiful leather bound book that my children will treasure long after my death.

Okay, I know that I'm probably seriously over-romanticizing it, but getting things out of my system and onto a page does seem like an incredibly helpful tool for goal setting and just general mental well being.  But to be honest, I have an incredibly difficult time journaling.  Maybe you do to.  Personally there seems to be a million (neurotic) little reasons why I don't journal:

1.  I don't want to write in the really pretty book I've picked to be my journal, but practical notebooks don't seem worthy of being a journal.
2.  I really want to write my true feelings down but I don't want someone else to read them.
3.  I get started and write daily, then forget for a few days and by the time I remember I feel incredibly guilty and give up.
4.  Who is going to burn these journals if I die?
5.  If someone does read this, I want them to think I'm a fabulous writer, so I spend more time editing my thoughts than getting them down on paper.
6.  I can't write fast enough.
7.  Seriously, I can't write in that really pretty notebook, in fact I'm just going to put it with the other empty notebooks on the shelf.
8.  I can barely read my own handwriting.
9.  What do I do on the days when my schedule consisted of keeping the kids alive and doing laundry?
10. Do I really want my kids reading this 50 years from now?

If I've come up with 10 reasons, I'm sure many of you have as well.  I finally had to give up the idea of a traditional journal.  Something that works for one person (writing a regular account of their feeling and actions) does not work for all. Traditional journaling did not work for me at all. Journaling can be a good tool for self discovery, but only if it works for you.  It shouldn't make you feel guilty or kick your OCD into overdrive.

If you are interested in journaling, it's important to pick a format that works for you.  I write poems.  It doesn't happen every day, but it happens enough that I can come up with several a month.  Poems work for me because I can work on them over time and edit, edit, edit.  I don't ever have to force myself to sit down and I don't ever feel guilty about not writing them. 

Find something you enjoy and use it as a tool for recording your thoughts and emotions.  Here are a couple of alternatives to traditional journaling for you to consider:

1.  Sketching or painting.  Like poetry, this can be done when the mood strikes you.  You can choose a special book or keep a portfolio where you keep your drawings.  If you like the idea of having a book, but don't want to be restricted to the same paper size, consider scanning your finished work and creating a book through one of the many photography websites such as MPIX, Shuttefly, or Snapfish.

2.  Electronic journaling.  Many people can go a whole day not picking up a pen, but find themselves in front of a screen several times a day.  If that is you, why not move your journaling efforts to your computer or smartphone?  Your laptop or home computer is the perfect place to keep a journal--whether it's a simple word document or even an online blog.  And if you're like me and attached to your phone, there are tons of journaling apps, both free and paid, available on both IPhone and Droid devices.    One of my favorites is an app called "My Wonderful Days" which is available in light (free) and full (paid) versions. 

3.  Scrapbooks.  Maybe you aren't super crafty or up for buying into tons of supplies, but scrapbooks don't have to be the complicated, expensive, time-consuming project they have become.  Long before the intricate books of today, our grandmothers kept simple scrapbooks, full of bits and pieces of their lives--photos, newspaper clippings, programs, etc.  They didn't need ribbons or cut out shapes on printed papers--a simple ticket stub, photo or other memento pasted onto a page, with a few words written to the side worked well then and still can be a good way to get out the emotions associated with an event.

4.  Catchers.  Sometimes an idea hits at an inconvenient time.  I know that I personally often times find myself mulling over things as I'm stuck in standstill traffic, waiting for the kid to get out of school or in line at the bank.  For people like this, I suggest carrying around a little spiral notebook or note cards and writing when the mood strikes.  The slips of paper can be organized in a small filing box (if they are uniform in size) or if you're one to write on receipts and post it notes, consider sticking them in plastic paper protectors or scanning them to your computer to keep a chronological record.


In the end, how you journal isn't important.  Save yourself the angst and give up the image in your head of journaling and just do it.  Any journal that helps you work out your emotions and grow is a valid journal--make it work for you, don't work for your journal.

Ace of Pentacles: Cautiously Optimisitic

I rarely read for myself.  People often come to the Tarot because the emotion of a situation is too much:  Tarot readers are no exception.  When I read for myself this emotion leaks into the reading and I often just find myself with a mirror of my own emotional state as opposed to actual guidance.  But I thought I'd try today, as it's been a trying week and this has been the first day where I felt that my emotional "leveler" has finally reached the point where the bubble has found its way to the middle.  So I sat down and with the baby babbling and blowing raspberries (an excellent way to clear the mind, let me tell you) in the background, I shuffled the deck and drew my card.  I pulled the Ace of Pentacles.

The Ace of Pentacles was an interesting choice.  The suite of Pentacles deals with money and material matters.  It was strangely relevant because I am feeling very directionless these days.  I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  More importantly, like lots of people these days, I've found myself in the middle of a frustrating and fruitless job search.  It has been a serious blow to my ego because I've been continuously employed since I was 19.  I think I've been working and earning money so long, that it became an integral part of my identity.   As my search has dragged on, I've been the subject of so much "helpful" advice and "encouragement." There are people out there who will ply you with inspirational quotes, religious messages, etc when you find yourself in a difficult life situation, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes trying circumstances like these are lessons but just as likely they are sometimes just trying circumstances.  Crappy things happen to everyone. 

When you find yourself drawing an Ace Card in the Tarot, you can know certain things without even knowing it's meaning:  1) You are facing beginnings, seeds being planted, new things on the horizon, new possibilities.  2)  You should focus on the main theme of the suit as the Ace is often the epitome of these ideas.  Today's message is clear:  focus on the practical, the material.  The seeds have been planted--you just have to look for them.  If this is you and you too are going through an exhausting search for work, I encourage you to look for those seeds.  They are there.  Every crappy situation is NOT a lesson from the universe, but something can be learned from every crappy situation.  Blessings!

Slacking

Seriously slacking here in so many ways......see that side bar on the left?  I have made no new hats since the 6th.  I'm going to have to mail them from Georgia when ever we get there.  I've "half-assed" organizing the house all day and spent all day yesterday crocheting instead of doing anything remotely productive.  The movers come Friday.  Time's a ticking and here I sit on my backside surrounded by the mess of decluttering.  I am crazy.

Home again, finally

I have spent the past 6 days mostly in my husband's car, unfortunately, driving across the southeast (yes the entire southeast) and unfortunately I'm not done yet.  But soon, very soon I will be finally, finally settled in a house in Georgia where we will live until the Army tells us it's time to repeat this insane process all over again.  I'm afraid I've completely ruined myself for normal adult life.  When I grew up we only moved once.  My son, in his seven years on the planet has lived in six different cities, my daughter two before her first birthday.  It's crazy but part of me fears getting bored (as I do now) of the place I'm living and not being able to move (because you just don't do that as a civilian unless you're a glutton for punishment or a nomad.)  But there is a part of me that longs to live in one place for a very long time, to get to know my neighbors, to ensconce myself into a community.  Why is it we always want what we can't have?

Sunday Night-bleh

I hate Sunday night.  There's nothing worse than those last few moments of freedom before going back to the drudgery that is the regular week.  I thought my opinion of Sunday would instantly change when I let my contract expire, but no...even if my Mondays no longer involve dragging myself out of bed at a ridiculously early hour to head to a job I abhor, those around me still do and my days revolve around them.  Spending all weekend with them just ten feet from me (even if they are glued to a screen the entire time) is immensely comforting.

During the week the hours seem to speed up as I rush around running errands, trying (unsuccessfully) to keep up with the house, & chauffeuring the Velociraptor around all the while trying to keep Little Bit safe and happy.  At this point if I was a "normal" blogger, I'd have a happy little list of things (which would have been included in my title because that's good SEO)  that I've done to help me (and by me I mean my readers) become better organized so my Mondays wouldn't be so hectic.  Or I'd have some uplifting story about an incident that changed my view on Sundays.  But I don't.  Sorry, no positive energy here. I hate Sunday night and always will.

Craft Fail: New Year's Resolution edition

When a crocheter tries to knit

One of my resolutions is to learn to knit, specifically to knit well enough to make us all (four of us) knitted stockings for Christmas 2013.  My goal for the month of January was to make 20 baby hats for the hospital Little Bit was born at.  Above is what happened when I attempted to combine the two.  EPIC. CRAFTING. FAIL.  Perfect hat for the temporary cone head, I suppose, post birth, but after that--awkward poof.  Oh well...practice makes perfect I suppose.  Time to start frogging...On the bright side, knitting this poor hat took me away from my computer nearly half the day, and cut into my obssessive Face Book checking, so I guess it wasn't a 100% total wash.

Making Better Resolutions?

I read this article today, How to Make Better New Year's Resolutions and it struck a major cord.  Resolutions aren't sacred to the end of December in my world.  I resolve and resolve often.  I'm always (even mid-year) resolving to do something that I know I'm probably not going to be able to maintain.  For example, I've tried countless times to force myself to write the stories in my head (any story) or even just write on a daily basis, to no avail.

Things will start off well enough. I'll get on the computer everyday for a week and write the required number of words.  But something happens over time--I get too busy to get on one day, random blogs on the Interwebs are way more interesting than the writing a description--and before you know it, my little resolution is over before it even started. 

The author of the article would not agree with my "resolve and resolve often" mantra--he makes the point that by committing ourselves to too much, we take away from everything, including the things we're already committed to.  I can completely see the truth in this and agree, except this does not apply to those of us who waste vast amounts of time on a daily basis. 

See, I have a major problem with time. 

I'll be the first to admit, I'm so easily distracted.  How easily distracted you ask?  Instead of getting on the a news website and just reading through the latest headlines, I'll find myself still on hours later reading a human interest piece about PTSD helper dogs that I found linked at the bottom of a page of a story about Kim Kardasian's pregnancy, which I found linked at the bottom of a page about the who is leaving the Obama cabinet, which I found linked at the bottom of the original page I started on.

So resolving to do less in my case (when I'm already doing less) doesn't seem to be very productive.  So maybe I should resolve to limit my time on my beloved Interwebs?  Get one of those programs that shuts off your access after a certain amount of time?  But then what to do about TV?  Books?  Crafts?  I'm in a pinball game of non-productivity, bouncing from one thing to another.  I'm probably not going to change.  I'm going to keep on making a million resolutions.  Only this year, I'm going to work on being kinder to myself about breaking them.

Thank you for this little bit of serendipity

Right after the Newtown tragedy, my best friend from high school posted a request on Face Book for help for two of her 5th grade students.  Their parents were out of work and the kids (growing insanely fast, as kids are wont to do) really were hurting for new clothing, shoes, etc.  Months ago, when I was employed, spending a couple hundred bucks on something like this would have meant eating at home a lot more during the month, but it would not have kept me from paying a bill.  Now that we are a one-income household, every dollar must be carefully considered (a work in progress for me--something that is sure to bite me in the rear end at some future date.)

I really wanted to help these kids though.  I could do nothing for those 20 lost children in CT, but I could certainly do some small thing to help these two kids.  I looked at all of the accounts--all of the Giftmas money had been spent, money in the checking account was already accounted for...then on a hunch I checked my Pay Pal account, where all of my money from my readings go.  I'd had used this account to supplement Christmas spending as well and was pretty certain there was a 0 balance.  Strangely enough, I still had a balance of $65--just $10 shy of what I need to buy both boys "cool" shoes. 

As an extremely poor kid growing up, I can't tell you the importance in kid/teen world of having "cool" shoes.  Other kids are ruthless and generic brand shoes from the big box store don't cut it.  A day after they arrived, I got this message from my friend:

"The shoes were a hit! I wish you could have seen their faces! They said to tell you thank you! The rest of the kiddos kept complimenting their shoes and the boys smiled all day long!!!"

So thank you, all of you, who have made my first year on Etsy wonderful.  I've always known I had great clients, but this tiny bit of serendipity you brought into my world was a great way to end 2012.   Have a blessed and safe New Year!

Celebrating Giftmas with the Advent Calendar

Cheesy Advent Calendar

I hate Christmas.  Growing up, it was a time guaranteed to bring out the worst in my parents who often would fight it out on Christmas Eve over how much money mom could spend on presents for us.  (We won't even get into the fiasco that was the years my father bought presents).

But now that I have rug rats of my own, I am constantly trying to find ways to celebrate the season in a way that both honors the birth of a man who preached peace and doesn't leave the kids feeling like they missed out on the Giftmas side of things.  This year my six year old is spending Xmas with his father, so it was even more of a challenge, especially since my spoiled little man really doesn't need two Christmases worth of toys.  That's were Cheesy Advent Calendar, purchased from big box craft store came in.   

I've spent the last few weeks scouring the Interwebs looking for Advent ideas as a way of celebrating without focusing entirely on the getting side of things.  Ideas out in the World Wide Web were sparse (it seems that a lot of people punted after coming up with a dozen or so ideas), so I'm going to post my list here.  The cool thing about the advent is that it can tailored to any family's specific ideas and beliefs fairly easily, as well as the age of the children involved.  I'm hoping to add a lot of service projects on to my calendar as my son grows.  This year is very craft heavy, and we may end up as epic craft fails, but hopefully all little man will remember is that we tried.

Our Advent Calendar (edited to add the results of each activity)

*1  Read the story of Baby Jesus and make a Nativity (was strangely excited at the idea that Jesus had a birthday....very insistant that Mary be significantly taller than Joseph....)
2  Decorate tree and drink hot chocolate with marshmallows (Little man refused the hot chocolate, of course)
3  Watch a Charlie Brown Christmas (He wasn't impressed at first, but it won him over by the end)
4  Buy a toy for a needy child  (He was confused by this, so maybe next year....)
5  Build a Plane Workshop (He loves these and they're free!)
6  Make Snowman pictures (This was an epic craft fail)
7  Read the Polar Express (Loved it)
8  Take Christmas tree pictures  (Put up with holding his sister in his lap for about 15 minutes)
9  Sing Christmas songs (never got around to organized singing, though he burst out in song many times)
10 St Nicholas Day (traditionally celebrated 6 December) (this confused him)
11 Go see a movie (Went to see Rise of the Guardians--we all loved it)
12 Salt Dough Ornaments (we ended up going with shrinky dinks because it looked cooler)
13 Make Christmas cards (this was a mixed bag....the child happily made cards...in pink, blue and purple)
14 Look at the Lights (The biggest hit of all of the ideas, he loved this, especially since we went to an organized display)
15 Visit Santa (He was very excited and actually smiled for the camera!)
16 Make Paper snowflakes (never got around to this) 
17 Read The Best Christmas Pagent Ever (never got around to this)  
18 Make Gingerbread crayons (ran out of time)
19 Make peppermint bark  (epic cooking fail)
20 Make gingerbread cookies (cheated and made chocolate chip instead)
21 Watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas (I found the man-child watching the DVD in his room before we could all get together to watch it....he loved it anyways and watched it four times)
22 Make wrapping paper (didn't happen :(  )
23 Reighndeer ornament (Also didn't happen)
24 wrap presents (this became mommy wrap....oh well....)

*I had to adjust our calendar to match up with little man's Christmas vacation, so we are actually starting our calendar on the 27th of November.
       
           
               

Getting back to reality.....

So my maternity leave from this blog was a bit longer than I intended........life seems to creep up, interfering with all the big ideas I had for my time at home.  I finished off my maternity leave from work, ran around like a madwoman trying to out process the Army and now I'm here.  What's next?  I have no idea. (Hopefully that doesn't disconcert you....a Tarot card reader who doesn't know what's next.)  Everyone comes to that point in their life from time to time--huge change is extremely overwhelming.  If you find yourself in the same boat, give yourself leave to not be superwo/man. 

It's okay to not know what you want to be when you grow up.

The world is full of possibilities.......but don't let those possibilities crowd out real life.  Take time to enjoy those around you.  For right now, I'm going to try and take my own advice and enjoy the demanding new creature around my house.

The Baby formally known as the bowling ball in my belly