Attitude of Gratitude

It's Christmaween!

If you asked my kids they'd probably tell you that I love Christmas.  Every year I drag them down to the Hallmark store to buy their annual ornament (everyone has to pick their own, which has resulted in no less than three annoying Scooby Doo ornaments that make noise in the five years I've been doing this).  Then there is the advent calendar with a different Christmas-related activity planned for each day leading up to the BIG DAY in which they get more stuff for me to step on, put together and clean up after.  Worse perhaps than the Santa Claus lie is the Christmas lie I live every December.  I HATE Christmas.  Hate perhaps isn't a strong enough word to accurately describe my feelings.....abhor, despise, loathe, yes, loathe, perhaps.  Growing up it was the time of the year when my dad's business was the slowest, so of course it was a time for arguing between him and my mom about money.  We were generally living pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck, which isn't poor until something bad happens like the massive medical bills.  Later, long after my baby sister had been in and out of the hospital as a result of being premature, it became a time of year for arguing + disappointments when the weight of those medical bills became too much.  The Christmas I was 12, I remember having to pretend I was happy with a gift box of Lifesavers I received under the tree because dad was too proud to request toys from any of the agencies that provided them to kids like us.  Other than that box of Lifesavers, I can't name one gift I received as a child, but I can remember vividly what it's like to be in a house of adults fighting about money the day before Christmas.  Other than those yearly fights, we had no holiday traditions, no family activities......nothing I can hold onto.  Despite the fact that I'm sure both my parents would call themselves religious, it was a completely secular holiday with none of the spirit of generosity, giving or gratitude that should be associated with it.    

I have been fortunate for my most of my kids' lives to be able to afford to spend a decent amount on their Christmas haul.  This may not always hold true, but I will always try to talk them into watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, make them hot chocolate as they put up the tree and drive around with them to look at the neighbor's lights.  I will start filling that advent calendar with more service and charity projects as the years pass and their ability to interact with their world grows.  I will always pretend to be excited about Christmas, even as they roll their eyes as they turn into teens.  Growing up, Christmas was always about the tree and presents, I pray that I can turn it into something a little more for my little ones.  I am not particularly religious, nor am I a fan of the commercialism, but I will always try to channel my inner Sponge Bob and promote an Attitude of Gratitude, even if I have to lie ;)

Good (wet, cold, & rainy) Monday morning

Did not want to get out of my warm cocoon....the ducks and geese, however, are ready for battle.

Where I want 2014 to take me

Every year I make New Years Resolutions and every year I get distracted and fall off pretty quickly (and by pretty quickly I mean approximately 7-10 days in.) I know that I always preach being easy on oneself, but I, like many people, am my own worst critic.  I also had this thought that this past year depression has had such a hold on me because I spent so much time focused on my unemployment and not on small things I could do to make me happier. So this year instead of resolutions, I've to decided instead to make lists of things. Lots and lots of lists. My first list is of places to see/things to do in 2014. Who knows if I'll actually get to do all of these things (especially with the on again/off again unemployment issue....yay government employee!), but thinking about this is a lot more fun than lack of employment.

• Go see a NASCAR race (only because it will make my husband happy)
• Ride in a swamp boat
• Go on a canoe ride
• Visit at least two waterfalls
• Go see Chimney Rock
• Take the velociraptor to Lego Land because Lego Discovery Center was a huge letdown

Where do you want 2014 to take you?

Ace of Pentacles: Cautiously Optimisitic

I rarely read for myself.  People often come to the Tarot because the emotion of a situation is too much:  Tarot readers are no exception.  When I read for myself this emotion leaks into the reading and I often just find myself with a mirror of my own emotional state as opposed to actual guidance.  But I thought I'd try today, as it's been a trying week and this has been the first day where I felt that my emotional "leveler" has finally reached the point where the bubble has found its way to the middle.  So I sat down and with the baby babbling and blowing raspberries (an excellent way to clear the mind, let me tell you) in the background, I shuffled the deck and drew my card.  I pulled the Ace of Pentacles.

The Ace of Pentacles was an interesting choice.  The suite of Pentacles deals with money and material matters.  It was strangely relevant because I am feeling very directionless these days.  I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  More importantly, like lots of people these days, I've found myself in the middle of a frustrating and fruitless job search.  It has been a serious blow to my ego because I've been continuously employed since I was 19.  I think I've been working and earning money so long, that it became an integral part of my identity.   As my search has dragged on, I've been the subject of so much "helpful" advice and "encouragement." There are people out there who will ply you with inspirational quotes, religious messages, etc when you find yourself in a difficult life situation, but the truth of the matter is that sometimes trying circumstances like these are lessons but just as likely they are sometimes just trying circumstances.  Crappy things happen to everyone. 

When you find yourself drawing an Ace Card in the Tarot, you can know certain things without even knowing it's meaning:  1) You are facing beginnings, seeds being planted, new things on the horizon, new possibilities.  2)  You should focus on the main theme of the suit as the Ace is often the epitome of these ideas.  Today's message is clear:  focus on the practical, the material.  The seeds have been planted--you just have to look for them.  If this is you and you too are going through an exhausting search for work, I encourage you to look for those seeds.  They are there.  Every crappy situation is NOT a lesson from the universe, but something can be learned from every crappy situation.  Blessings!

Slacking

Seriously slacking here in so many ways......see that side bar on the left?  I have made no new hats since the 6th.  I'm going to have to mail them from Georgia when ever we get there.  I've "half-assed" organizing the house all day and spent all day yesterday crocheting instead of doing anything remotely productive.  The movers come Friday.  Time's a ticking and here I sit on my backside surrounded by the mess of decluttering.  I am crazy.

Random Review Friday: 52 Mondays: The One Year Path to Outrageous Success and Lifelong Happiness

 

I have a love-hate relationship with a lot of self help books and programs out there.  Vic Johnson's book, however, completely surprised me in a very pleasant way.   I read it today while I was dying on the elliptical, having come across it awhile back on the 'ol Kindle.  While I'm not sure he truly introduces anything new (the basic message is:  Get off your butt if you want to accomplish anything) his approach is definitely new and falls more on the pragmatic side.

The book is, as you can imagine, broken down into 52 different sections, one for each Monday in a year.  Each chapter builds upon the last so you get a little reminder of what your lesson for the previous week was.  There is a lot of what you'd expect from a self help book--positive encouragement, anecdotes from famous and wealthy, inspirational quotes--without all of the nonsense a lot of authors try to sell about our desires and wishes being enough to attract great things.  

Don't get me wrong....I strongly believe that our energy and thoughts have a significant affect on our lives, but wishing all day to be rich isn't going to get you there.  This is where "52 Mondays" is different.  It's angle is to get you up and going and keep you in motion as you work towards your goal.  

I know it's nearly the end of January, but it's not too late to start implementing these ideas into your own life.  In fact what better time than now as those all around you give up on all of those New Year's resolutions.  Here's a way to help you stay strong throughout the year.

Home again, finally

I have spent the past 6 days mostly in my husband's car, unfortunately, driving across the southeast (yes the entire southeast) and unfortunately I'm not done yet.  But soon, very soon I will be finally, finally settled in a house in Georgia where we will live until the Army tells us it's time to repeat this insane process all over again.  I'm afraid I've completely ruined myself for normal adult life.  When I grew up we only moved once.  My son, in his seven years on the planet has lived in six different cities, my daughter two before her first birthday.  It's crazy but part of me fears getting bored (as I do now) of the place I'm living and not being able to move (because you just don't do that as a civilian unless you're a glutton for punishment or a nomad.)  But there is a part of me that longs to live in one place for a very long time, to get to know my neighbors, to ensconce myself into a community.  Why is it we always want what we can't have?

Sunday Night-bleh

I hate Sunday night.  There's nothing worse than those last few moments of freedom before going back to the drudgery that is the regular week.  I thought my opinion of Sunday would instantly change when I let my contract expire, but no...even if my Mondays no longer involve dragging myself out of bed at a ridiculously early hour to head to a job I abhor, those around me still do and my days revolve around them.  Spending all weekend with them just ten feet from me (even if they are glued to a screen the entire time) is immensely comforting.

During the week the hours seem to speed up as I rush around running errands, trying (unsuccessfully) to keep up with the house, & chauffeuring the Velociraptor around all the while trying to keep Little Bit safe and happy.  At this point if I was a "normal" blogger, I'd have a happy little list of things (which would have been included in my title because that's good SEO)  that I've done to help me (and by me I mean my readers) become better organized so my Mondays wouldn't be so hectic.  Or I'd have some uplifting story about an incident that changed my view on Sundays.  But I don't.  Sorry, no positive energy here. I hate Sunday night and always will.

Craft Fail: New Year's Resolution edition

When a crocheter tries to knit

One of my resolutions is to learn to knit, specifically to knit well enough to make us all (four of us) knitted stockings for Christmas 2013.  My goal for the month of January was to make 20 baby hats for the hospital Little Bit was born at.  Above is what happened when I attempted to combine the two.  EPIC. CRAFTING. FAIL.  Perfect hat for the temporary cone head, I suppose, post birth, but after that--awkward poof.  Oh well...practice makes perfect I suppose.  Time to start frogging...On the bright side, knitting this poor hat took me away from my computer nearly half the day, and cut into my obssessive Face Book checking, so I guess it wasn't a 100% total wash.

Making Better Resolutions?

I read this article today, How to Make Better New Year's Resolutions and it struck a major cord.  Resolutions aren't sacred to the end of December in my world.  I resolve and resolve often.  I'm always (even mid-year) resolving to do something that I know I'm probably not going to be able to maintain.  For example, I've tried countless times to force myself to write the stories in my head (any story) or even just write on a daily basis, to no avail.

Things will start off well enough. I'll get on the computer everyday for a week and write the required number of words.  But something happens over time--I get too busy to get on one day, random blogs on the Interwebs are way more interesting than the writing a description--and before you know it, my little resolution is over before it even started. 

The author of the article would not agree with my "resolve and resolve often" mantra--he makes the point that by committing ourselves to too much, we take away from everything, including the things we're already committed to.  I can completely see the truth in this and agree, except this does not apply to those of us who waste vast amounts of time on a daily basis. 

See, I have a major problem with time. 

I'll be the first to admit, I'm so easily distracted.  How easily distracted you ask?  Instead of getting on the a news website and just reading through the latest headlines, I'll find myself still on hours later reading a human interest piece about PTSD helper dogs that I found linked at the bottom of a page of a story about Kim Kardasian's pregnancy, which I found linked at the bottom of a page about the who is leaving the Obama cabinet, which I found linked at the bottom of the original page I started on.

So resolving to do less in my case (when I'm already doing less) doesn't seem to be very productive.  So maybe I should resolve to limit my time on my beloved Interwebs?  Get one of those programs that shuts off your access after a certain amount of time?  But then what to do about TV?  Books?  Crafts?  I'm in a pinball game of non-productivity, bouncing from one thing to another.  I'm probably not going to change.  I'm going to keep on making a million resolutions.  Only this year, I'm going to work on being kinder to myself about breaking them.

Celebrating Giftmas with the Advent Calendar

Cheesy Advent Calendar

I hate Christmas.  Growing up, it was a time guaranteed to bring out the worst in my parents who often would fight it out on Christmas Eve over how much money mom could spend on presents for us.  (We won't even get into the fiasco that was the years my father bought presents).

But now that I have rug rats of my own, I am constantly trying to find ways to celebrate the season in a way that both honors the birth of a man who preached peace and doesn't leave the kids feeling like they missed out on the Giftmas side of things.  This year my six year old is spending Xmas with his father, so it was even more of a challenge, especially since my spoiled little man really doesn't need two Christmases worth of toys.  That's were Cheesy Advent Calendar, purchased from big box craft store came in.   

I've spent the last few weeks scouring the Interwebs looking for Advent ideas as a way of celebrating without focusing entirely on the getting side of things.  Ideas out in the World Wide Web were sparse (it seems that a lot of people punted after coming up with a dozen or so ideas), so I'm going to post my list here.  The cool thing about the advent is that it can tailored to any family's specific ideas and beliefs fairly easily, as well as the age of the children involved.  I'm hoping to add a lot of service projects on to my calendar as my son grows.  This year is very craft heavy, and we may end up as epic craft fails, but hopefully all little man will remember is that we tried.

Our Advent Calendar (edited to add the results of each activity)

*1  Read the story of Baby Jesus and make a Nativity (was strangely excited at the idea that Jesus had a birthday....very insistant that Mary be significantly taller than Joseph....)
2  Decorate tree and drink hot chocolate with marshmallows (Little man refused the hot chocolate, of course)
3  Watch a Charlie Brown Christmas (He wasn't impressed at first, but it won him over by the end)
4  Buy a toy for a needy child  (He was confused by this, so maybe next year....)
5  Build a Plane Workshop (He loves these and they're free!)
6  Make Snowman pictures (This was an epic craft fail)
7  Read the Polar Express (Loved it)
8  Take Christmas tree pictures  (Put up with holding his sister in his lap for about 15 minutes)
9  Sing Christmas songs (never got around to organized singing, though he burst out in song many times)
10 St Nicholas Day (traditionally celebrated 6 December) (this confused him)
11 Go see a movie (Went to see Rise of the Guardians--we all loved it)
12 Salt Dough Ornaments (we ended up going with shrinky dinks because it looked cooler)
13 Make Christmas cards (this was a mixed bag....the child happily made cards...in pink, blue and purple)
14 Look at the Lights (The biggest hit of all of the ideas, he loved this, especially since we went to an organized display)
15 Visit Santa (He was very excited and actually smiled for the camera!)
16 Make Paper snowflakes (never got around to this) 
17 Read The Best Christmas Pagent Ever (never got around to this)  
18 Make Gingerbread crayons (ran out of time)
19 Make peppermint bark  (epic cooking fail)
20 Make gingerbread cookies (cheated and made chocolate chip instead)
21 Watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas (I found the man-child watching the DVD in his room before we could all get together to watch it....he loved it anyways and watched it four times)
22 Make wrapping paper (didn't happen :(  )
23 Reighndeer ornament (Also didn't happen)
24 wrap presents (this became mommy wrap....oh well....)

*I had to adjust our calendar to match up with little man's Christmas vacation, so we are actually starting our calendar on the 27th of November.
       
           
               

Getting back to reality.....

So my maternity leave from this blog was a bit longer than I intended........life seems to creep up, interfering with all the big ideas I had for my time at home.  I finished off my maternity leave from work, ran around like a madwoman trying to out process the Army and now I'm here.  What's next?  I have no idea. (Hopefully that doesn't disconcert you....a Tarot card reader who doesn't know what's next.)  Everyone comes to that point in their life from time to time--huge change is extremely overwhelming.  If you find yourself in the same boat, give yourself leave to not be superwo/man. 

It's okay to not know what you want to be when you grow up.

The world is full of possibilities.......but don't let those possibilities crowd out real life.  Take time to enjoy those around you.  For right now, I'm going to try and take my own advice and enjoy the demanding new creature around my house.

The Baby formally known as the bowling ball in my belly

Learning the Tarot: The importance of Clarity & Reading the Tarot

If you read this blog regularly, you've probably gathered that I'm in the military.  Very, very soon after my little parasite is born, I will be taking a HUGE leap by letting my contract expire after eight years in the hopes that I will be bringing a little sanity to my life.  It is a big leap because while husband can feed us and keep a roof over our heads, paying my credit card debt down (racked up long before I ever set eyes on him) is really not in the budget.  We have about four or five months of savings to cover us then it's back to work or.........(actually I really don't know what comes after the or).  It reminds me of those old maps of the world when it was still thought the world was flat and one could sail over the edge into the mouth of a great monster.  I'm headed to that monster right now.....oh sure, the water is fine now, but soon, I will get pulled over the edge........

It was in this agitated mood that I approached the Tarot one night (can you see where this is going?) and asked about my immediate future.  The cards came back to me, not as I'd hoped, (with a glimpse of the future or some hint as to what avenue I should take) but instead with a reading that made me say, "No shit, Tarot!"

My very first deck, used for personal readings only

What I got back was just an immediate reflection of what I already knew......conflict: between having many choices ahead of me and trying to make plans.........my short term future:  BIG Changes coming!  How I see myself: feeling like I'm becoming a big moocher because I'll be staying home with the baby for a bit.....and then funniest of all, the over emotionality of my future outlook card .  I say funny because as anyone who has had a baby knows emotions are insane right after birth and for a bit thereafter.....with my first child, I cried at the drop of a hat for a long time, at anything (though mostly baby commercials).....things are a bit hormonal at first.

So now, getting to my point.  Reading the Tarot is more than just shuffling some cards, laying them out and looking up meanings in your favorite guide.  Clarity and connection are important.  Clarity of mind allows for a true connection......not a reading jumbled with emotions  and desires of the reader.  If you have decided you want to study the cards, it's important that you prepare yourself each time to read the cards properly.
Some ideas on how to do this:

• Read in the same spot every time.  Pick a place without a lot of distractions, away from noise as much as possible.
• Create a ritual.....I'm not talking spells and curses here.....just a routine that you follow each time you read.  For example, you can shuffle the same way every time or split the deck exactly the same way.
• Give yourself a moment of silence before you begin touching the cards.
• Clear your mind of everything but the focus of your reading or question being asked.  Let nothing else cross your mind until you have finished laying out the cards. 

Clarity of mind is very important for those seeking a reading as well.  Coming to your reader in an emotional state will get you a very disconnected reading.  Try and approach your reader with a calm a mind as possible.  Push all thoughts away of anything else but the issue or question at hand.  Focus in on it until the last card has been drawn.   Keep this in mind and you too can avoid your own, "No Shit, Tarot!" moment.

Signs

     It probably seems counter initiative that someone into Tarot would decide not to know what the gender of their future child was, but that's exactly what I have decided to do.  Much to the annoyance of the crazy old man wielding the ultrasound, the husband and I decided against finding out the sex of the baby.  After all, there are so few surprises left in life.  It sounded like fun, and it's driving my family nuts (which in my book = win).  But I am determined to stay strong (not that I have a choice, the ultrasound ship has sailed).

     It, however, has not stopped me from speculating.

     I'm pretty certain it's a girl.  I never dreamed about little man before he was born, but I knew he was a boy long before we had the twenty week ultrasound.

     I have dreamed about this baby (girl).  My six year old says he's having a sister.  I have read every myth and wives tale I can find (I think we're close to 50/50), checked the Chinese Gender Calculator (girl) , read my cards (girl) and been the subject of speculation by both friends and strangers alike (50/50 there too).
I adore little man and  would love, love, love to have  a little boy.  But I think the universe may be telling me it's time to get over my inability to do hair or makeup properly,  if so many of the signs I keep encountering are true.  I've already gotten in the habit of calling my little womb invader a "she," so much so that I'm afraid I'll be going the way of my mom, who called my youngest sister a "he" her entire pregnancy, only to be surprised by a tiny baby girl a few months early in the end.

     So am I right or wrong?  I guess only time will tell.  But odds are on my side........after all, I've got a 50/50 shot ;)

Struggling with stuff

Physical Evidence of potential future as a Hoarder who may die alone and not be discovered for weeks, when a pile of yarn falls on me and smooshes me to death.....

I have enough stuff. Seriously. And now with a little one scheduled to arrive this summer the husband, child and I will be taken over by the BABY'S (henceforth referred to by his/her fetal name "Al") MASSIVE AMOUNT OF STUFF. (Our grandmothers' made due with a dresser drawer and cloth diapers.....sometimes I wonder why we don't do the same, but that's a rant for another time.) I live in constant fear of becoming a hoarder and watch the hoarding shows on television just to scare myself (temporarily) straight.



Months ago when I was on the other side of the world, dragging around my M4 and getting four hours of sleep a night, I had no spare time to think and thus kept my spending habits well under control. And while I would not want to go back to that life, I do have to say there is something to be said for not having constant access to anything I could possibly want as well as constant access to means to indebt myself for it. But now that I'm back on the right side of the world and have to time to read once again, I keep coming across things I don't need, but desperately want. (First World Problems much?)

Some of this I know stems from the months of "deprivation," that comes from being stationed in a war zone and my adjustment back to life in the states. But I really want to try to become more independent financially. To me, that means not being fixated upon having stuff, or rather new stuff. This is incredibly difficult for me because I grew up incredibly poor (mustard sandwiches for lunch and a home heated by a wood stove poor) and as a parent, I've now overcompensated, constantly buying toys and clothes for the man child when he is already more than well stocked with both.

All of this is such a waste of money and has led to credit card debt. I abhor credit card debt because it's usually so absurd. That 29% interest I'm paying to Citi could be going to a real charity that does real work for good, or toward man-child's college education. Instead because of my own stupidity it goes to the corporation smart enough to play off my weaknesses.

I recently did a small five card spread about my issues with debt and money.....as you can see from my quick one word association with the cards, it's not all sunshine and roses.

6 of Wands Arrogance
2 of Pentacles Balance
5 of Pentacles Hard times
3 of Swords Being Let down
10 of Wands Struggle


Basically my cards confirmed my past and are warning me that the future is not any easier. I think it's important though to look for the positive side of things when the Tarot tells it like it is (as it has done here), instead of being frustrated that it didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. Unless I win the lottery tomorrow (which wouldn't happen, since I don't play) breaking these bad habits that got me into this mess is not going to be an overnight process. Fixing the mess that I've created isn't going to be easy either. The ten of wands, even with it's message of hardship and struggle, is not all doom and gloom. Yes, the figure struggles to carry his load, but he is doing it....he has not given up or fallen to the ground. He will eventually make it....and so will I.

There is that cliche that goes "when life hands you lemons, make lemonaide." But honestly you don't always have sugar and a pitcher of water laying around. Sometimes you just have to stuff those lemons in your pockets and carry on.